OBITUARIES (from ESPN)

The Boston Red Sox 2006 pennant hopes died over the weekend. The deceased was 141 days old and, until recently, had spoken often about how it was looking forward to entertaining friends and family at home this October.

A family spokesman said there will be no formal death announcement until mid-to-late September. Doctors said the deceased had been vibrant and “full of life” as recently as last Thursday. A number of recent injuries, however, had left it weak and vulnerable, particularly late in the evening.

It will be a closed-casket funeral due to the violent nature of the death, which is still being investigated by the Sons of Sam Horn. The deceased was beaten four or five times, and was eerily reminiscent of a great uncle’s death in 1978. “We know who did this, but there seems to be nothing we can do about them,” said family member Big Papi Rocks 67.

The death angered and saddened Boston residents, who had hoped such incidents – once an almost annual occurrence – were a thing of the past. The family added, “We instead prefer to publicly mourn over this loss every day for the next six decades.” In lieu of flowers, mourners are asked to wear T-shirts with inappropriate slogans.

The 2006 pennant hopes are survived by the New York Yankees, Detroit Tigers, Chicago White Sox, Oakland Athletics and Los Angeles Angels.